There are times when I literally have to force myself to move forward because I know if I don’t, I’ll end up being stuck. There are too many people relying on me and the last thing I want to do is let anyone down, especially my kids. Especially my kids.
Elliott came to me before dinner and wanted to go hiking. I was working in post for this week’s podcast and there wasn’t a ounce of me that wanted to go hiking. I was tired, overwhelmed and just wanted to say no. I didn’t even want to be editing the new episode but I was because I have to.
As I mentioned eariler, I’m able to step back and recognize why I didn’t want to go hiking. Depression wanted me to stay curled up in my room, kinda isolated, quietly working and under no circumstances did it want me to tell Elliott yes.
It took all I had to put everything down and force myself to say yes. It was the absolute last thing I wanted to do but at the same time, I also knew that it was important to force myself to go. The exercise would do me world of good and the kids needed to get away from the house.
We ended up going to Quail Hollow for a short hike. The hike was short because the park became too crowded for comfort or safety. Absolutely noone was wearing a mask or social distancing andbit simply wasn’t worth the risk.
While I’m glad we went and I’m grateful for the the time with my kids, I had to force myself to get there. That’s just sorta how depression works. It wants to keep you from the things you enjoy because it thrives on dispair.
When depression is actively trying to control my life, this is what it’s like. I want nothing more than to do the things I like to do and accomplish the goals I have put before me but there’s this invisible force that stops me.
I have to force myself to go through the motions and it’s incredibly difficult to do that but it’s important that I do because I almost always feel better afterwards. Not only that, but I have people relying on me and as a single parent, there is no one to pick up the slack.
Anyway, my hope is that this helps to provide some insight into how depression impacts my life. We shouldn’t be ashamed to speak about mental health. I’m not ashamed to say that I have depression in my life. It’s not my fault and I know I’m doing all I can to keep myself centered. Therapy helps. Medication helps. Selfcare helps.
If you’re struggling, please get help. I’m here to say that there is no shame in asking for help. If things are so bad that you feel hurting yourself is the only option, please don’t give into that. Get help. Talk to someone. You’re not alone.
In closing, I just want to be sure that I’m clear so as not cause anyone concern. I’m struggling with depression. There’s no two ways about that. At the same time, I’m doing okay. I’m in therapy every week (via telehealth right now). I’m taking my meds and thanks to Hero, I’m not forgetting to do that. The kids are doing as well as can be expected, considering we’re in a global pandemic and maintaining lockdown.
I’m not someone who easily gives up. I don’t quit because things are hard. It’s not easy and it sometimes takes me a minute but I always get back up.
There’s a lot going on in my life, most you know about and some you don’t. I’m doing the very best I can to navigate life right now and while it’s not always pretty or fast, I’m continuing to make forward progress.
The sole purpose of this entry is to help people understand how depression impacts me. If you understand how it impacts me, you might be in a better place to understand what someone in your life might be going through. Talking about things like depression matters because stigma and judgment keep people suffering in silence. That’s not okay.
I’m very lucky to have an amazing support system. That support is more emotional in nature now because of COVID19 but I know I’m not along. I’m also aware and eternally grateful to have all of you as well. ☺
You talk about home schooling your boys this fall yet you struggle so much with your own personal mental health. How do you see yourself coping with home schooling on top of what you are struggling with so much now? Not criticizing just interested.
That’s a great question and the interview I just did yesterday for an upcoming episode was on that exact topic. The simple answer is that I have no idea. They’re doing distance learning, meaning everything is provided and I’m basically a facilitator. The schedule is flexible but the 27 hours a week are required. I don’t need to be directly involved but I do need to submit reports to the school ect. The challenge is building a new routine. That’s not going to be easy, so I want to get that started now. Great question.. ☺