I came to a very difficult realization tonight

I need to put all the Autism and Special Needs Parenting stuff aside for a little while tonight. I need to instead focus on the very human side of my life. This is the part of my life that isn’t influenced by things like Autism. It’s actually rare to find things in my life that aren’t influenced by all those challenges, but this is a bit different.

Tonight we celebrated my last remaining Grandmother’s, 94th birthday. She’s actually my last remaining Grandparent period.

We were able to take a family picture tonight, and that was awesome.

The nursing home reserved the common room for us, and we had a pizza party and watched the Cleveland Indians play. My Grandma loves the Indians, and we all watched the game with her.



She was having a rough night and wasn’t sure she was up to leaving her bed, but she ultimately decided she wanted to go.

It was pretty clear that she was struggling throughout the party, but she never complained, and when I asked if she wanted me to take her back to her room, she said no. I think she needed to get back in bed, but she also needed to see everyone.

As I was sitting next to her, it occurred to me that there’s a very good chance that this could be the last birthday we get to celebrate with her, and that’s very difficult for me to take.

I struggle with death but perhaps not for the same reasons most people do.

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    • Peggy on June 9, 2019 at 8:17 pm
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    God bless you, Rob. While I only have one autistic child to care for alone and without any support system, I do understand the struggle. My father passed yesterday. We were not close but he is still my father. I thought, until this year, i was his oldest child. But I learned he has an older daughter that was an illigitamate child during his service in Germany. Anyway, the drama is so intense right now that Im not sure I can take not one more second. Its makes me happy to hear you took time to celebrate your grandmothers birthday! Thank you more than you will ever know.
    Peggy H. AKA
    ComfortClayStudio

    1. Peggy,

      I reached out to you on Twitter before I saw this. First of all, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine trying to navigate what you have to navigate right now. Please make sure to take care of yourself. I know it’s hard, but make yourself a priority. Wow… You have so much on your plate, on top of being an Autism parent. You’re an incredibly strong person and Inhave nothing but respect for you. Just remember that you don’t always have to be strong. ❤

  1. Rob. It is a sad but normal thing for our elders to die. I wasn’t close to either of my living grandparents (dad’s side), but still their deaths meant they were gone. And really not so fun to lose my parents, that was hard. Not having them means my husband and me and our siblings ARE the grown-ups, the ones looked to for help.

    I can tell you to enjoy her while she’s here, but it sounds like you are grieving already. And it’s hard to grieve while someone is still alive, but it is real. You are allowed to feel sad now. It sounds like her health is deteriorating quickly which means her life will become less and less enjoyable. So when she goes, she will be at peace and in no pain, no suffering. But she will always be with you, in your heart, in your genes, in your mind.

    1. Thank you Becky ❤

    • Sarah on June 6, 2019 at 1:37 am
    • Reply

    I completely understand this. And I relate so much. Good for you for trying to walk away in order to reengage in that moment though. Most people would feel comfortably number and stay there.
    I had a similar moment recently. And reengaging (the best word I could think of) and feeling that grief and potential loss was overwhelming to say the least.

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