I came to a very difficult realization tonight - Page 2 of 2 -

I came to a very difficult realization tonight

When I was a fire/medic, I saw things that most couldn’t even imagine. I’ve seen death far too many times. When you are confronted with death in this manner and with a frequency that most other people never experience, it changes you. It absolutely changed me.

My Dad and my Grandmother (his mother)

Over the years, I had to become somewhat callous, to do my job in that type of environment. Maybe callus isn’t the correct word. I had to become numb to death. Every death was heartbreaking for me, but I had to move on quickly because there’s always another call. It’s the only way you can do that job effectively and not go crazy.

I had to separate myself from the emotions in order to not allow them to control my actions or influence my decisions. That’s just the way it was for me. It’s self-preservation.

The problem is that over time, that becomes harder and harder to turn off, and it can begin affecting your life outside of the job.

I don’t know if any of that makes sense, but the bottom line is that I still don’t handle these situations well.

There’s this constant internal struggle between the part of me that is conditioned to turn off all emotion and the other part of me that needs to experience it in order to get through the difficult times ahead.

Towards the end of the party, I had to sit out in the hallway because it was too much. I was becoming so focused on my fear of losing her that I was separating myself from the moment, and I didn’t want to do that.

I don’t know…

This is just very hard, and I’m not doing a great job of dealing with it right now. I spend time with her every single day because I want to but also because I don’t know if I’ll have another chance.

I’m just in a dark place tonight, and it’s driven by grief and fear over something that hasn’t even happened yet.

I’m exhausted both physically and emotionally. There are a million reasons for that, and not all of them are related to my Grandmother. My resources are a bit depleted, and my available coping tools are lackluster at the moment.

All that said, it was a great party, and I’m so grateful we had the opportunity to spend this time with her. 😀❤

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God bless you, Rob. While I only have one autistic child to care for alone and without any support system, I do understand the struggle. My father passed yesterday. We were not close but he is still my father. I thought, until this year, i was his oldest child. But I learned he has an older daughter that was an illigitamate child during his service in Germany. Anyway, the drama is so intense right now that Im not sure I can take not one more second. Its makes me happy to hear you took time to celebrate your grandmothers birthday! Thank you more than you will ever know.
Peggy H. AKA


Rob. It is a sad but normal thing for our elders to die. I wasn’t close to either of my living grandparents (dad’s side), but still their deaths meant they were gone. And really not so fun to lose my parents, that was hard. Not having them means my husband and me and our siblings ARE the grown-ups, the ones looked to for help.

I can tell you to enjoy her while she’s here, but it sounds like you are grieving already. And it’s hard to grieve while someone is still alive, but it is real. You are allowed to feel sad now. It sounds like her health is deteriorating quickly which means her life will become less and less enjoyable. So when she goes, she will be at peace and in no pain, no suffering. But she will always be with you, in your heart, in your genes, in your mind.


I completely understand this. And I relate so much. Good for you for trying to walk away in order to reengage in that moment though. Most people would feel comfortably number and stay there.
I had a similar moment recently. And reengaging (the best word I could think of) and feeling that grief and potential loss was overwhelming to say the least.

Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
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