I feel like I'm f*cking drowning right now -

I feel like I’m f*cking drowning right now

I’m not feeling super positive tonight folks. Being a parent to kids with Autism and/or Special Needs is fucking hard. It’s incredibly rewarding and worth every effort that goes into it, but it’s fucking challenging in ways that are simply impossible to understand unless you’ve lived it.

Navigating this life would be challenging in a vacuum but unfortunately, life doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Life is full of shit that makes it even more complicated than it already is.

Today has been one of those days where there was so much shit going on in my life, that I honestly questioned if I was strong enough to keep moving forward.

My kids are struggling and when they’re struggling, I’m hyper-vigilant. I’m so fucking stressed out right now that my chest feels heavy and it’s not getting any easier. I’m exhausted and I just want to get through this. I want the kids to get through this with as little damage as possible. I would like to survive this with most of my sanity intact.

There are too many unknown variables in my life right now and I feel like I’m drowning.

I’m going to bed before 10 PM and I’m praying that I get some sleep tonight. I’m hoping that Emmett isn’t facing another stressful night of bad dreams because I don’t think either of us can take many more restless nights.

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I know that hyper-vigilance and it’s super stressful. Not good for you and not enjoyable. Just remind yourself that your children know they are loved and they have evidence of that every day. They will struggle and maybe a few balls will get dropped, but they have a parent who loves them and that is a huge deal.

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