It’s been three months since I became a single Dad again and I’m still trying to find my footing. It’s not easy to grieve, while being a full time Dad and caregiver to three amazing kids with special needs.
This time around, I think I’m adjusting a bit quicker than I did before. Adjusting doesn’t mean I’m happy or I’m okay with any of this. It simply means that I’m adapting to the change, nothing more and nothing less.
I’m doing okay. I have my moments where I would give anything to change this and moments where I recognize that it’s for the best. I also spend a lot of time in between those places as well.
Being a single Dad and raising three amazing but challenging kids alone is not easy. Frankly, I’m not going to win any awards for father of the year but I’m doing my best and giving it my all. Unfortunately, my all isn’t enough and that’s tough to accept but I’m not giving up. That has to count for something.
Depression is a real struggle for me and I absolutely feel like I’m losing the war at times.
Sometimes I feel sad and many times I feel lonely as well. How could I possibly feel lonely when I’m with my kids all the time? That’s a good question and I can try to explain.
When my wife left, I also lost my best friend of almost 20 years. Losing my marriage is really hard for me but losing my best friend is absolutely soul crushing. When someone you’ve quite literally spent almost every single day with for 20 years walks out of your life, it leaves a massive void. That void is not easily filled, if it even can be filled.
I feel lost a lot of the time and it’s hard to focus on self care because frankly, I just don’t care sometimes.
That being said, how I feel doesn’t always reflect the reality I’m living in. I’m very hard on myself and don’t find it easy to cut myself any slack. That’s something I need to work on and therapy is helping.
At the end of the day, I’m making sure my kids are clean, fed, sheltered, clothed, loved, accepted, listened to, distracted, at school as much as physically possible and getting all the help they need to get through this. I’m working every day, growing this site, creating a podcast, making new partnership and finding myself blessed with some tremendous opportunities as a result.
The blog not only pays for itself, but it’s making money. The podcast is still young but its getting sponsored regularly and I’m not hurting for guests. I was even able to replace my car. That was something I never thought I’d be able to do, and I actually just made my first payment. That feels pretty good.
All of these things are helping me to provide for my children. Is it perfect? Of course not. Is it working and getting better everyday? Absolutely and I’m so proud of that. I need to continue increasing my income so I can get my kids out of this house and into a safer neighborhood where they can actually play outside.
While I may be emotionally struggling right now, I’m still moving forward. I’m still taking care of my kids. I’m still helping others and no matter how overwhelmed I am, I don’t quit. The house is a mess and I can’t seem to stay caught up on the laundry but in the grand scheme of things, I’m checking the most important boxes.
I suspect as time goes on, things will become easier for me and I’ll eventually find a way to move on. Until then, I’ll keep doing my best, accepting my flaws and constantly strive to do better.
Totally get that about losing your best friend. Even beyond lover, partner, co-parent and whatever else, it’s tough to lose an old friend. (You don’t talk about your friends very much, but do you have any other old friends you could call up and re-introduce into your life? Old friends who knew you back when are very comforting people. Even if you’ve been out of touch for a long time, an old friend will probably be overjoyed to reconnect.)
Hey Dot. Yeah, I don’t really have friends in real life. I’ve got tons of friends online, and some I can call and talk to but actually person to person contact doesn’t really exist in my life. When I was a firefighter, I had brothers and we were all so close but I lost that when I gave up my career. There’s a real danger in building your entire world around one person and I’m now payi g the price.