Twice today, I’ve been called out for not being honest about how I’m doing. My amazing Mother was the first one, and a few hours later, my therapist became the second. I wanted to talk about this briefly and ask you to take a second, do a self-inventory and see if maybe this applies to you as well.
Basically, I was called out for not being honest about how I’m doing. People ask me all the time how I’m doing and with the exception of a very few people, on rare occasions, I generally politely reply that I’m doing good.
I get away with that because most people don’t look beneath the surface. They don’t really see that sometimes when I say I’m okay, I’m only saying that to make the conversation move forward. They don’t pick up on the fact that I’m anything but okay and I either don’t know how to say it or I don’t want to burden them with my problems.
My Mother called me out in this this morning while we were walking. It kinda caught me off guard and led to a lengthy conversation that let her better see how I’m really doing.
A few hours later, I was in therapy and my therapist called me out in a similar way, catching me off guard once again.
Both times I wasn’t really intentionally hiding anything, it was just easier to say everything is fine, even though that’s not the case. The truth is, afraid to say that I’m really struggling right now. I feel like I’m drowning and have nowhere to go.
2019 has been among the most difficult year of my life. I lost my last two grandparents a few months apart. My marriage ended about 2 weeks before my birthday and 3 weeks before our 16th anniversary. I was completely blindsided and it shattered me in ways that I’m not sure can be put back together. Grieving is very difficult when I’m the sole caretaker of our 3 children with special needs. I work very hard to shield them from my grief but it’s challenging because the kids and I basically found out at the same time and my reaction was very raw. They know I’m hurting and as much as I try to hide that, they worry about me.
I don’t want my kids dealing with adult issues and I’m doing my best.