I’ve spent the last few months seeing how heartbroken my kids are. Every single day, I hurt for them and I can’t do anything about it. Some are dealing better than others but Elliott and Emmett have been traumatized once again and it’s impacting every aspect of their lives.
I have to keep moving forward because that’s the best thing I can do for my kids. I’m exhausted, overwhelmed and desperately in need of a break for all this shit. All 4 of us need a break from all this shit. Everywhere we look, there are memories or reminders of all that’s transpired and it sucks.
I’m trying so hard to stay the course because it’s my job to guide my kids through this dark tunnel and out the other side. I’m focusing on my work as much as possible and trying to improve our lives where I can.
Depression is absolutely kicking my ass and that makes everything so much more challenging for me. Writing is hard because thinking is hard and I’m so easily frustrated with my growing podcast because my house is not conducive to quality recording. My equipment is good but my environment is far from ideal. It’s frustrating to the point I feel like quiting but I can’t because it’s helping me feed my kids and it’s an outlet for me.
My takeaway from today is that I need to be honest about how I really doing and be more in touch with how I’m really doing. I need help but how can anyone help if they don’t know I need it? I’m going to be working very hard to be more open about where I’m at, especially with family and close friends. Shutting people out is not the answer.
The whole fucking point of this post is to A) be honest about where I am and B) get you to do a self-inventory. I hope that you can look at your own life and evaluate whether or not you’re doing the same thing I am? Perhaps if you are doing the same thing, becoming more cognizant of that might help.
Do you tell others you’re fine when you’re really not? Why do you think you do that?