I have been struggling with putting words to what I’m feeling and it’s so frustrating for me because that’s how I process things.
When I find myself in places like this, everything becomes so much heavier for me. The stress and constant worry over every tiny little thing is exhausting. These worries are irrational in nature either. As an Autism parent, there are a million things I have to worry about that wouldn’t even occur to most others.
I do my best to remain focused on the positive but that’s not easy to do. Like many of you, I will fake my smile and keep pushing forward. Sometimes that all I have left but it seems better than the alternative of giving up.
This life takes a seriously heavy toll on me. Over time, the guilt, pain, bruises, heartache, exhaustion, stress, fear and endless nights of being unable to sleep, can wear me down to the point that I feel like a shell of my former self. I get to a point where all I can do is the absolute bare minimum and pray it’s enough to get by, knowing full well it won’t be.
As husband and father, it’s beyond my ability to articulate just how it feels to watch my wife and kids struggle, each and every day. I could say it’s heartbreaking but that wouldn’t do it justice because torturous even falls short.
When everything in my life weighs me down and more than anything, I desperately need to write, I’m unable to. I get these mental blocks that make writing anything feel like a monumental undertaking that I simply can’t handle.
If you’re a regular reader, you know that I haven’t written much in the last couple of days. I haven’t responded to many comments in awhile either. I’m not ignoring anyone and I’m incredibly grateful to those of you who share your thoughts. I just don’t have the energy or emotional resources to spare. I’ll eventually get caught up and I really do try to respond to everyone.
This post has been on my screen for most of the day and I couldn’t finish it because nothing felt right. I realized though, I had to get something done because I won’t be able to sleep until I do. I have to purge some of this in order to make room for all the new stuff I need to take on.
Anyway, I’m going to try and get some sleep. We have a busy couple of days ahead and I’m not in the best place to take on what’s coming our way.
Someone else asked this question but I didn’t see the answer- have you talked to your doctor about getting assessed for new meds since coming off the Paxil? I think it’s clear that you can definitely use pharmaceutical help but I didn’t know if you and your doctor had spoken about and/or figured out a new regimen for you to try. I hate to see anyone suffer when there are things available to help with this sort of thing. Also, it probably wouldn’t hurt to revisit the idea of talking to a therapist other than Dr. Pattie. You need someone just for you.
Meds aren’t always the answer. I do see my doctor in a week or so to discuss things in general but the reality is, medication can only do so much. My life is such that the stress never ends and the challenges only get harder with time. What I need to do is develop more/better coping skills. I’m still on an anti-depressant, at least for now. I need to keep everything in balance and I’m doing better at that. I’m making better decisions and I’ve now lost roughly 26 pounds as a result.
It’s complicated and I totally understand the value of medical intervention but I have to find better ways of coping because that’s what will get me through the long term.
Here’s the thing Rob: so many times after I’ve read one of your posts I think: “He needs more sleep!” Lack of sleep will make every other physical and emotional problem much worse.
Now, in your circumstances it seems tough to do. But I wonder if your sons are old enough to now be able to self-soothe when they have insomnia? Maybe no one has had sleep issues lately, I don’t remember from what I’ve read. But it seems one overall arch for you over the years is lack of sleep.
I have periods where I think I feel fine without enough sleep but end up being an emotional mess. Maybe this isn’t really a problem for you anymore. But if it is, I would think you need to make it a priority, even if you have to change the way the boys cope when they can’t sleep. Because you can’t help anyone when you’re a mess.
If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. The only dog I have in this fight is to hope that things go better.
I understand wanting to avoid meds if possible- I’m pretty much the same. That said, therapy would help you develop coping mechanisms. That is one of main purposes of going, along with figuring out why a person reacts the way they do to things and can also help you get to the root of the depression that you say began in your teens. You are such a proponent of therapy for your family, why not for yourself? It’s more than just talking about your problems.