I’m losing weight, getting my body back and all things considered, the boys are doing alright. Gavin’s driving me crazy for a million reasons but he’s around to drive me crazy, That’s a blessing in and of itself. There have been so many close calls with him over the years and I’m grateful he’s here to drive me nuts.
It may not be safe but we have a house and a roof over our heads.
Truthfully, all of those things are important but the most significant for me at this moment is that Lizze and I are still married. We went through a two year separation a few years back and while I always held out hope, I was afraid I would hit my 40th birthday as a single parent.
I’m grateful every day that Lizze and I were able to put our marriage back together and move forward, stronger than ever. It’s not perfect but it works for us. We learned a great deal during our time apart and have applied that as we move forward. We’ll be celebrating 15 years a week after my birthday. ☺ 💙
Anyway, it’s not that I can’t see the positive because I can. This isn’t even about me lacking anything from my life either. This is entirely about what I’m unable to do for my family. That’s what’s got me in a darker place. I feel like a failure.
I know Lizze and the boys don’t think that at all but I know what they need and deserve. I also know that I fall short in almost every area.
Yes, I know the cards are stacked against me but nothing about this is rational. It’s a mid-life crisis type thing, drenched in Depression. There’s very little about how I feel that’s rationally based but even knowing that doesn’t change how it feels.
I’m hoping for a positive week. There’s still time to make this week a success. These two new parterships will hopefully pan out and usher in some positive change.
If nothing else goes my way this week, I still have my marriage, my family and my health. If life is taking orders, and I can put in a simple request, I would love a double wrapped, double steak Chipotle burrito. I’ve been craving one recently and it’s been out of reach.
As I said in the beginning, I’m going to stay on my last antidepressant until I know I’ve emerged from this temporary but dark tunnel.