Needless to say, that’s not going to work out and on top of that, I’m stressing out because the boys are excited about my birthday and won’t understand if we don’t do anything. I don’t want them to feel bad about anything, so I need to figure something out. Even if we just do something small.
As Thursday draws closer and closer, I’m feeling my Depression creeping up on me. I can feel myself beginning to struggle more and more, while I’m overtaken by a sense of dread.
For me personally, turning 40 has caused me to evaluate my life thus far and the direction it’s going in.
The truth is, I feel trapped but not in the sense you might be thinking. This isn’t about my family or not being happy with them because they’re my entire world. I feel trapped because no matter what I do, I cannot get us out of the hole we’re in.
I can’t get us financially stabized. I can’t get us out of this house and into a safe neighborhood where the boys can play outside. I can’t get us into a new car that isn’t bleeding us dry and requiring the boys to barely fit. There’s a laundry list a mile long of things I haven’t been able to do and it’s weighing incredibly heavy on me.
Before you say that I’m too hard on myself and I should focus on the positives, I’m really trying to right now.