I found myself really frustrated today and I'm not entirely sure why. Most of the time, I'm the *odd man out *in our house filled with Autism and truthfully, that can be difficult for me at times.
It's like everyone around me is operating on the same operating system and I'm simply incompatible.
That probably sounds harsher than I intend it to but this does create problems for me on an almost daily basis.
Everyone else in the house struggles with sensory issues. Things like smells, sounds, lights, textures, tastes and even temperature are things that constantly influence behaviors.
No one in my family aside from me, does well with any type of change. It doesn't matter if it's a change for the better or for the worse, because it impacts them regardless. If Lizze and the boys had their way, everything would be exactly the same, every single day. We're talking *Groundhog Day *kind of sameness.
Sameness provides comfort and predictability for them but it drives me crazy. Yes, I realize that's a short trip but the same thing, day in and day out is mind-numbing for me.
It's sorta like I'm a freshwater fish trying to survive in a saltwater tank.
That's actually a really good analogy.
Lizze and the boys are each in various places on the Autism spectrum and I'm not. They need things that I simply don't. Things bother them that don't even show up on my radar but there are things that bother me that don't show up on there's as well.
When you mix us together, it can produce chaotic and unpredictable results but that's okay because it makes life interesting.
I guess one of the things that's so frustrating for me is that I simply can't see the world through their eyes. I've gotten pretty good at navigating their world but it's not something that comes naturally, if that makes sense. There's a great deal of trial and error involved on my part.
While I could just get up from the couch and spontaneously decide to take everyone to a movie, that doesn't always go over well.
I happen to enjoy being spontaneous but that is largely incompatible with those on the Autism spectrum.
Those of you out there either on the spectrum or raising a child on the the spectrum, are probably all too familiar with how disruptive sudden changes to routine can be.
Anyway, this a challenge for me personally because I don't experience the world the same way my wife and kids do. That means I tend to fumble and make things worse at times because I simply don't get it.
On most days I'm overwhelmed but manage to keep my head above water. On most days, everyone is reasonably patient with me because they know I'm doing my best.
Unfortunately, there are also times when all of this is so overwhelming that I just can't hold things together. That's sorta where I've been today.
To be crystal clear, no one is doing anything wrong and I wouldn't trade my life for anything in the world. The reality of my life however, is that it's extremely challenging. That can take its toll at times and on days like today, I really struggle.
I do focus on myself as much as I can. My main thing is that I go walking every day. It helps me stay centered and maintain my sanity, especially when life gets to be a little too much.
I woke up this morning and could already feel how the day was going to be going. Despite it raining all day long, I went walking anyway because I knew I would need every advantage I could get in order to be the husband and father my family needed me to be.
Anyway, that's just a little insight into my life. I'm not sure I've ever really shared this before but it's context and that helps to keep things properly framed. ☺
