A little overcompensation here and a little overcompensation there

I’ve been thinking about it and something occurred to me. Perhaps I’m trying to overcompensate for their mom not living with us anymore. Truthfully, I feel like I understand my kids but it would be very fair to say that I might not understand them the same way their mom does. I’m not sure why hearing that hurt so badly but perhaps I took it wrong.

When he told me that his mom would understand better than I do, it hurt because I’m the one that’s still here. I’m giving them absolutely everything I have and I know it’s not enough. They see their mom once or twice a week and I know they wish it was more. I also know that I cannot fill the hole that was left by her. Nothing I can or will ever be able to do is going to replace that void in their lives. Is it really so insulting that my kids tell me that basically their mom is different than I am?

Of course we’re different. Good or bad, no matter what I do, I could never be her or fill her role the way she did. Why would I keep trying to do that?

I suppose the answer is that I see my kids in pain and I’m trying to be there for them in whatever way they need. I don’t handle things the way their mom did/does and that’s okay.

Being told that their mom would understand better, is perhaps more a statement of fact and not so much a reference to inadequacy on my part. I already feel I’m not enough and that maybe leaves me a bit more sensitive.



This is a slightly better way to frame things I think and a less painful one as well.

When you are a single parent, I think overcompensation is pretty common. I see my kids in pain and would do anything to make them feel better. A little overcompensation here and a little overcompensation there. I can and need to physically fill the roll of both myself and her but emotionally, I don’t think it’s possible. I should probably stop trying.

No matter what I do, my kids are still going to hurt as a result of this massive change in our lives. I can’t shield them from that. All I can do is be there for them the best way I know how to and that’s by being me. I know I’m not always going to be enough but at least I’m trying and rhat needs to be enough for me.

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    • Dotdash on October 20, 2019 at 5:10 pm
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    Wait. You assume that what Elliott said is the truth. If I were you, I’d at least weigh the possibility that was a way of lashing out — simply another version of “I hate you!” Which is more like a bludgeon kids pick up and hit people with when they are angry or fearful.

    P.s. when I read your blog at the website, there is nothing after 10/13. Might be my browser but I thought you’d want to know.

    1. the same thing happened to me (from the same date also), I was able to fix it somehow although I’m not sure what I did exactly. I could still see the blogs when I clicked through from twitter somehow.

      I think you are a safe space for Elliot to act out upon. This is a common reaction to divorce in kids even when you don’t have the autism to contend with as well. It might be true that Lizzie would better understand this particular problem perhaps because she is also autistic but that could be him taking things to a very literal concrete level. This however wouldn’t have changed the outcome of the situation (having to replace the phone) even if she was home and everything was hunky dory. So he would have been upset anyhow.

      1. Thanks Lindsay. You’re correct. I’m very sensitive to all of this and I feel so inadequate as it is. I’m working on it.

        As for the post navigation, Dot was right. The posts are all there but the nav buttons were gone. I fixed it. Not sure how long this has been a problem but thanks for point it out.. ☺

    2. Dot,

      It’s funny you said that. I was thinking the same thing. This may just be a new version of “I hate you”. That’s very insightful on your part. That’s one of Elliott’s biggest concerns about her leaving. He worries that there will be no one to translate for me. I get where he’s coming from but I think things will be fine. We just need to find our way.

      As for the post nav, you were right. The navigation buttons were gone. I fixed it. Not sure how long that’s been a problem but now you can click through like before. Sorry about that but thank you for catching it.. That was a big problem and it was probably hurting traffic. ☺



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