I feel like I’m just f*cking everything up

It’s been a stressful afternoon and evening. The kids came home after what seems to have been a very positive visit with their mom, and just fell apart. Holy shit has it been a rough day.

The kids have been fighting and bouncing off the walls. Gavin has been overwhelmed most of the evening and had a meltdown after dinner. He actually did very well and got through it without hurting himself or breaking something but he was over the edge for sure.

I write this off to fallout from the visit and that’s probably right on the mark.

Something people seem to misunderstand is that fallout isn’t always the result of a negative experience. My kids love seeing their mom but it’s very emotionally charged and they struggle with those kids of situations. It’s just the nature of the beast.

It’s the same reason why many Autism families avoid large gatherings over the holidays. It’s not that they don’t want to be their or that the kids don’t have fun. It’s simply overstimulating and the fallout afterwards can be significant.

Anyway, my stress level has been through the roof tonight and I’m worried that I’m just not coping well anymore. I need to find a way to better practice selfcare. I want so badly to workout but I’m spread too thin, I’m so tired and lacking the motivation. I’m trying very hard to push myself because selfcare is so important.

I actually needed to remove myself from the drama this afternoon. I hid in my room for a little while and tried to regroup.

I feel like I was much better at this single parenting thing the first time. Now I just feel like I’m fucking everything up. I know that’s the depression talking but it doesn’t make it feel like I’m fucking up any less.

4 comments

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  1. No matter what we do, bad days happen. Like you say, it’s not always a result of a negative experience. But yeah, people don’t get it. It’s isolating. It can suck for all. Hugs to you!

    • Dotdash on December 9, 2019 at 10:35 am
    • Reply

    I’m sure you know that transition difficulty is a well-established problem with kids going back and forth between parents. I remember it as a child — those transition days were awful. Research says these transitions can lead to anxiety, depression, self-esteem issues as children whipsaw between pleasing two sets of parents. So stressful. One thing you should be proud of is how you’ve minimized the antagonism and conflict between you and Lizze. By sucking up some pretty awful stuff and refusing to engage in warfare, you’d done a lot of good.

    Have you considered a custody arrangement whereby you leave the house for 12-24 hours and Lizze (and parents if necessary) come stay there? I have some friends who do this very successfully. Seems much better for the kids. Requires both parents to give up some autonomy, but maybe a social worker can express how important it is, particularly for your hate-change kids?

    I only make this suggestion in the possibility that you genuinely have not thought of or considered such an option. Maybe you have. In which case, sorry!

    The thing I really want to say is that there is no way to totally get this right. Kids are traumatized by this kind of breakup so there is no “right”. You are doing fine. Hang in there and just keep letting them know you are there for them.

    1. Thanks Dot. Yes, there’s no fighting or using the kids as weapons. The custody arrangements you were suggesting aren’t possible for a number of reasons but I appreciate the idea. I hadn’t thought of that prior to your suggestion but unfortunately, that’s not going to be a possibility. I never question your intentions because I know you mean well. 🙂

      While the dissolution is not done yet, we do have all the details worked out. We’re waiting until early 2020 for financial reasons. Custoday is already worked out and I’ll be able to explain a bit more at a later time. I’m not happy about any of this at all but I’m grateful that I’ll have my kids and there’s not major issues.

  2. Well, you did say you would have good days and bad days. Monday could be one of the better ones. ❤

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