I’m so fucking overwhelmed


I can’t believe how many thousands of people are planning on attending Easter mass in person. I’m not sure it gets anymore selfish than that. God is not going to protect you and you will be putting your entire community, including your loved ones, family and friends, at grave risk. For what?

Every single person who isn’t taking this seriously is putting people like my immunocompromised son, at serious risk. This isn’t okay and I don’t understand how anyone can behave this way.

I’m so fucking tired. I have no help. I’m alone and while I know I’m doing the right thing by locking down, I don’t know if I can find the strength to keep this up.

I know that there are people out there who think I’m just this amazing father and I’m sorry to disappoint but I’m just as human as everyone else. I’m barely hanging on right now and I’m venting in a brutally honest way because I’ve got nothing else right now.

My family is amazing but everyone is on lockdown as well. My wife has been gone since August of last year and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this alone in my entire life.

I know I have an amazing online community of people and I’m so grateful for everyone but I haven’t been in the same room as another adult for at least 36 days. I love my kids and I will do anything for them, without hesitation. At the sametime, I’m spent. I can’t sleep at night and taking care of myself has become incredibly difficult for a million reasons, depression being a huge part.

I was just interviewed live, on BBC Worldwide a few hours ago and have been flooded with email and messages of support on social media already. I’m so appreciative and I’m grateful to connect with every single one of you.

This is just a long time coming for me and I feel like I’m crumbling.

I desperately need a treadmill because I need to run or walk. I have to burn off all this negative fucking energy. BowFlex is giving away some of their cardio equipment and I’ve entered the contest, with the hopes of winning so can get my head above water.

Yes, I know I could walk up and down my steps or do some other form of whatever, without equipment but it’s not the same thing. I don’t get what I need from using my staircase or running in place. I’m in a shitty mood and hoping that venting will relieve some of the pressure. My chest is physically heavy from this crushing anxiety and it’s scary.

I’m not going to have a stroke or heart attack, at least I hope not. Right now, this is anxiety and stress. It’s understandable and as I find ways to calm myself, I physically feel better. I have to do better. I have to do better.

I can’t give up because my kids deserve better and they’re counting on me to get my shit together.

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Tracey Hoff

Hey Rob I totally understand what you are going through. My oldest son is autistic and has mental health problems. My youngest I’m almost certain is autistic but we haven’t been able to get him tested yet. Please stay wel and take care of the kids first. School work can wait.

Diane R Gorsline

Hey, keeping your kids safe, healthy, and in some sort of routine is a big accomplishment right now. Unless the school is going to be breathing down your neck about the work, I would go easy on schoolwork. Watch nature videos, read together, journal, etc.

My adult son is struggling a bit with not being able to go anywhere, but he is really doing better than I expected.

Take care.

Curtis G.

As probably the one of the oldest parents here here of an autistic child, I can say that at one time I had to chose between my son’s education and his emotional and physical well being. There was no internet classes for him in those days and I had to home school him and be the teacher. My wife was concerned with everything-especially his education, which was important, but I had to look at the entire picture of what was and not what should be and saw that at this point in time, the emotional and well being needs far outweighed the educational needs. My thought at that time was although education was important, how important would it be if his mental well being was being destroyed because of the nightmare he had endured in regular school and (extreme bullying at school in our situation) and that was overshadowing his educational needs. I chose to put his emotional well being first and I’m glad that we made that a priority. I retired as a resident counselor in a group home for young adults and adults with both mental health and mental disabilities, including autism, and saw the end results of some young adult people with autism who had received their educational needs but it was the damage to their emotional needs that made it necessary for their parents to have to place them in a group home setting. Sometimes we have to make the decision on our own and our own instincts. A person can always catch up or restart his educational needs but emotional stress has more force and can lie deeper than the need to satisfy the educational requirements. The COVID19 Virus is something none of us, even at my age, we have ever experienced or were prepared for. Hasn’t been seen in 100 yrs. It’s not our fault but we all have to make decisions of how to prioritize what’s important and what takes precedence over certain things. Take care Rob. To me, given the situation we are in, we have to trust our parental judgement. Education can be restarted when the time is right. Good luck and be safe.

garviel loken

Hang in there buddy, If it’s any consolation, I’ve recently found out that my 13yo step son and 3yo daughter are both autistic, and finding your blog has really helped me cope with how hard things can get with them. Thankyou.
Lockdown is hard on everyone, it’s a shit situation and it’s fucked alot of things up. But we’ll get through it. Hang on in there and TBH if school isn’t on your radar right now then it sounds like you have your priorities straight.

dotdash

I hear you asking for help. Please do not just let this moment pass without accepting some. Do you not have a family member who has been isolated at home for 2 weeks and therefore virus-free? Could that person not come help and give you a chance to get out for a walk? Allow someone to help you. Please.

dotdash

Hi Rob, I totally believe that you are managing the best you — or any single human — could. But there are situations that one person simply cannot sustain indefinitely. Is there no cavalry coming over the hill AT ALL in the foreseeable future?

You should not feel guilty about dropping the schoolwork altogether. The school has no right to insist your kids do things (like worksheets) that make them crazy. I agree with the commenters who suggest more organic types of learning — nature movies or leaf collections or woodworking projects. Do you have a snap circuit kit, for instance? or a robot-building kit? I’d be happy to send one. Sounds as if the kids might have a bent towards electronics…

We are all in these weird times together. Hang in there and do let people know what they can do to help.

dotdash

The anxiety is a lot, hard to face day after day. Your kids have you and that teaches them about stability and perseverance every day. It’ll get better! (Snap circuits and gummy worms kits on their way – hopefully they will be fun.)

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