I’m currently engaged in one of the most difficult battles I’ve fought against Depression in a very long time. I recently experienced a triggering event that if you’re a regular reader, you read about several posts back. It’s knocked me on my ass and has completely shook up my snow globe, as my wife likes to put it. I’m very much struggling and even everyday tasks are becoming increasingly more difficult.
It’s not easy but I’m pushing myself to do what’s necessary in order to wage this war and defend myself, while very much trying to limit its impact on my family.
Not only is writing an important part of my war with Depression, it’s also how I provide for my family. Writing is so much more difficult for me when I’m going through this but it’s also one of the best ways I have to cope. If I don’t write, all of these things build up inside of me and fuel to the fire that Depression needs to thrive. I also feel an enormous amount of pressure because if I don’t write, my family doesn’t eat. It’s very overwhelming for me right now but perfection isn’t my goal, not giving up is.
Writing this post has taken me most of the afternoon and I haven’t said all I wanted to because I can’t stay focused. Normally, I could write something like this in fifteen or twenty minutes. At the moment, I’m not focused on how long it takes me but rather on the fact that I’m sticking with it and seeing it through to the end. It’s really important and while it’s a tremendous amount of pressure, I have to push through it.
There are other struggles like dealing with the daily challenges of being an Autism and Special Needs parent. I’m doing the best that I can to ensure that my problems don’t become my kids problems. It’s exhausting but at the end of the day, I think I’m doing pretty good in that area. I’m short on patience but I’m making sure that I remove myself when I feel like I’m drowning, which is pretty often.
My family is what drives me to do all the things Depression wants me to stop doing. When I’m done with this post, I’m dragging myself to the park and I’m going to push myself through a three mile walk. There’s no part of me that wants to go out in the cold but I know that it’s for the greater good. My wife and kids deserve the best I can offer and walking helps me to center myself. I find strength in the solitude and when I come back, I tend to be better equipped to handle the challenges that lay before me.
Depression sucks. It has a catastrophic impact on my life and its very much like an out of control, roller coaster ride. It’s scary. In fact it’s terrifying. It steals and it hurts but I can fight back. Depression is a huge part of my life but I try every single day to keep it from controlling me. It often means that I drop a great many things because I have to narrow my focus in order to survive. The house takes a back seat and the laundry piles up. Bills don’t get paid because I struggle to work and be a full time caregiver at the same time.
Depression makes every failure feel so much worse and while that knocks me down, I have to get back up and try again. On the best of days, I’m far from perfect and Depression likes to make sure I focus on my imperfections because it breaks me down.
This post has been an exhaustive process for me because I’m forcing myself to stay in task and it’s overwhelming. Talking about it like this helps to ensure that my war with Depression never becomes secret. Secrecy and isolation are Depression’s best friends.
If you’re struggling with Depression, don’t do so alone. Talk to someone you trust and get help. You matter to this world, regardless of what Depression might have you believe. ☺