We may have a very, very difficult decision to make today

In the morning, we have an emergency appointment with Dr. Reynolds, Gavin’s psychiatrist. This is an emergency appointment to decide on the future of his Schizophrenia management.

This is an enormous decision because it can potentially impact the rest of his life.

If we take Gavin off the Clozapine, he will never be able to go back on it again. It’s very important to understand that at this point in time, there isn’t another antipsychotic that he can safely take.

Taking him off the Clozapine could very well mean that we set Gavin up to be an unmedicated Schizophrenic for the rest of his life.

While we’re mauling that over, there’s another side to this coin.

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If the Clozapine is what’s causing the issues with the cell lines in his blood, not taking him off the Clozapine to potentially result in a very serious, life threatening condition in which his body simply will not be able to fight anything off.

I feel like in just about every way imaginable, we’re fucked. No matter what we decide, Gavin pays a very high price.

While one is life threatening, the other impacts his quality of life.

I can sit here and say that this is a tough decision but the reality is, preserving his life is the priority, and if that means losing the Clozapine, so be it.

Part of me wishes Gavin had the cognitive ability to make this decision for himself. I don’t know what he would decide to do if given the choice, and while he’s not capable of making, or even understanding this type of decision, it very important to us that we want to do right by him.

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I wish for once, we could have a situation in which the decisions weren’t a matter of life or death. I can’t even begin to explain what this feels like. If your kids are healthy, never, ever take that for granted. You never know own when that good fortune could be taken away.